Overcoming Emotional Outsourcing
with Beatriz Victoria Albina
Are you living as your true self, or are you stuck in patterns of people-pleasing, perfectionism, or codependency? In this thought-provoking episode, I sit down with Beatriz Victoria Albina, a master certified somatic life coach and expert in nervous system regulation, to uncover why so many of us lose touch with our authentic selves—and how to find our way back.
If you’re ready to break free from old stories, reconnect with your true self, and create a life rooted in joy and empowerment, this episode is for you.
Key Takeaways:
What is Emotional Outsourcing? Discover why we often look outside ourselves for safety, belonging, and worth—and how to break the cycle.
The Power of Slowing Down: Learn how intentionality and nervous system regulation can help you rediscover your authentic self.
Reclaiming Your Selves: Explore how past experiences shape the many selves within you and how reconnecting with these parts leads to personal and professional transformation.
Why Listen: If you’ve ever felt like you’re living someone else’s version of your life, this episode offers the tools to take back your power, live authentically, and thrive both personally and professionally.
About Beatriz Victoria Albina
Beatriz Victoria Albina (she/her) is a Master Certified Somatic Life Coach, UCSF-trained Family Nurse Practitioner and Breathwork Meditation Guide with a passion for helping humans socialized as women realize that they are their own best healers by reconnecting with their bodies and minds, so they can break free from codependency, perfectionism and people-pleasing and reclaim their joy.
Connect with Beatriz Victoria Albina
Website: https://victoriaalbina.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/victoriaalbinawellness/
About Aleya Harris
Aleya Harris is the spark for your spark™. A trailblazer in purpose-driven story crafting, she is a marketing executive and ex-Google Vendor Partner who brings her dynamic experience to her role as the CEO of The Evolution Collective Inc. Aleya is an international award-winning speaker, the founder and lead trainer of Spark the Stage ™, and the host of the award-winning Flourishing Entrepreneur Podcast. She is also the author of the bestselling book Spark the Stage: Master the Art of Professional Speaking and Authentic Storytelling to Captivate, Inspire, and Transform Your Audience. Her unique approach as a Strategic Storytelling Consultant has revolutionized the way businesses communicate, transforming workplace cultures and market positioning. With her dynamic energy and proven methodologies, Aleya guides clients to unlock their potential, articulate their radically authentic stories, and achieve unparalleled success.
Watch the Free Masterclass
Join Aleya's free masterclass "Build Unstoppable Confidence and Book Speaking Gigs Without Feeling Like an Impostor." Discover the proven framework to own your story, captivate audiences, and land speaking gigs—even if you’ve doubted your worth or have no experience on stage.
Register at https://www.aleyaharris.com/masterclass
Buy the Book
Aleya's bestselling book will help you become a more confident and authentic professional public speaker. Buy Spark the Stage: Master the Art of Professional Speaking and Authentic Storytelling to Captivate, Inspire & Transform Your Audience on Amazon or anywhere books are sold.
Buy the Book: https://a.co/d/1T4EoJ7
Sign Up for Spark the Stage™
Spark the Stage™ is an online course and 12-month group coaching program that helps entrepreneurs and executives become radically authentic professional public speakers who can confidently deliver a compelling Radical Spark Signature Talk™ from the stage.
Enroll at https://www.aleyaharris.com/spark
Work with Aleya to Craft a Better Story
An unclear strategy, confusing brand, or undefined workplace culture will repel ideal clients, visibility opportunities, and career-making connections. The Evolution Collective Inc. transforms disconnected teams and overwhelmed leaders into thriving, inclusive cultures through Radically Authentic Strategic Storytelling.
Schedule a call at https://www.evolutioncollective.com/
Book Aleya to Speak
To book Aleya to edutain your audience at your next event as a keynote speaker, please visit www.aleyaharris.com/speaking to check out her speaking topics, reels, and why. Click "Schedule a Call" to secure the speaker with "that something new" you've been looking for.
Connect with Aleya Harris
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/aleyaharris/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/aleyaharris/
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@thealeyaharris
Links Mentioned on this Podcast
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[00:00] Aleya Harris: How many selves are rolling around in your head?
[00:05] We always talk about like your inner child or your highest self, but I think there's a lot more in there than you know about.
[00:14] So if you had to guess what you said, like 2, 3, 4, 10, 12. Well, in this episode we're going to talk about them, how their development might have been interrupted and how that interrupted development might be causing you to be less than your most wonderful, majestic self.
[00:33] I have the opportunity of speaking with Beatrice Victoria Alvina, who is a master certified Somatic life coach, UCSF trained family nurse practitioner and a breathwork meditation guide with a passion for helping humans socialized as women realize that they are their own best healers by reconnecting with their bodies and their minds, no matter how many psyches are in that said mind, so they can break free from codependency, perfectionism and people pleasing and reclaim their joy.
[01:04] This episode is from one of the most intelligent people that I've met. This episode is coming from a true expert, not someone who took somebody else's course and is now spouting their stuff.
[01:16] This episode with Beatriz Victoria is about you learning from someone who does this, someone who is is truly able to speak through a body of work, break it down in normal language to help you take your first steps towards being a happier, more integrated human.
[01:38] If you would like to feel less codependent, less like the savior, less like the martyr, less like the the last one on everyone's list, including your own, so that you can step into your power, grow your business, build a professional speaking career, whatever's on your dream bucket list, this is the episode you need to start with.
[01:59] You'll hear in the episode that I'm sending this episode to a bunch of people that I know because I believe in their potential. And I'm including this episode for everyone to hear because I believe in yours.
[02:10] Lilaya, you don't know me. I don't need to. I know your radically authentic self because it's connected to mine. And I believe in my radically authentic self and its infinite power and wisdom.
[02:21] Which means I know that you have the same radically authentic self within you. And it deserves a voice. It deserves to shine. It deserves to have. Have you live a life where you are happy and fully empowered.
[02:33] And in this episode with Beatriz Victoria, we will be able to start you on your way.
[02:39] Whoa. Can you tell I'm excited?
[02:42] I didn't even know I was this fired up, but I am.
[02:45] All right, let's go.
[02:50] Yuliya Patsay: Welcome to the Flourishing Entrepreneur podcast with Alayah Harris.
[02:56] If you're looking for actionable ways to overcome communication and differentiation challenges by sharing radically authentic stories, you are in the right place. Listen in and learn how to stand in the power of your unique narrative to transform your personal life, business and workplace culture.
[03:17] And now your host, award winning international speaker, strategic storytelling consultant and Japanese whiskey lover, Ruby Coral's mom, Aleya Harris.
[03:39] Aleya Harris: Hello, hello, hello, hello. Bea Victoria. Alvina. Thank you so much for joining us here on the Flourishing Entrepreneur podcast. How are you doing today?
[03:49] Victoria Albina: I'm doing really well. Thank you for having me.
[03:52] Aleya Harris: I love it, I love it. I have already told our lovely listeners why this is the episode for them and I hope their ears are peaked. But just in case they need to hear it from you, can you tell them very shortly who you are and what you do?
[04:09] Victoria Albina: Sure.
[04:10] My name is Beatrice or Bea Victoria Albina. I am a functional medicine nurse practitioner by training. I have a master's degree in public health. I say that to get like the real nerd stuff out of the way.
[04:21] I am a master certified legit.
[04:24] Aleya Harris: Okay, got, I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[04:29] Victoria Albina: I studied a lot.
[04:31] I'm a nerd, nerd, nerd. Come on now. I am a master certified Somatic life coach. I am a Somatic Experiencing practitioner. I trained with the Somatic Experiencing Institute. I am host of the Feminist Wellness podcast.
[04:41] And my passion is to help human socialized as women to break free from codependent perfectionist and people pleasing habits. Cuz that sucks. And we can live life with a lot more joy, more just like a lot more pleasure when we are really prioritizing interdependence over codependence.
[05:01] And that applies to our businesses as well, which I know we're going to get into in a lot of detail.
[05:06] Aleya Harris: Absolutely. And thank you for sharing.
[05:09] So people talk about codependence and perfectionism and all of those words and I think it's an innate understanding of why those are wrong or bad. But then when I'm really thinking about it, I was like, well, I think I've heard them so much that they've lost their zing.
[05:27] Victoria Albina: Right.
[05:28] Aleya Harris: You know, like, so why is it bad? Why are the. How are those things harming people?
[05:33] Victoria Albina: Yeah. So I think you're right that the words have lost. I loved what you said. They've lost their zing. Like it really sums it up. I think the words have become meow, meow, meow.
[05:43] Like we're just like, sure, whatever, codependent. Like it doesn't mean anything anymore. So I actually came up with and trademarked a new word or a new term, which is.
[05:51] Aleya Harris: New word. Yeah, drop it, drop it. Boom, boom, boom. New word, go.
[05:57] Victoria Albina: Emotional outsourcing.
[06:02] Aleya Harris: I love it. Emotional outsourcing. Okay, what is emotional outsourcing?
[06:08] Victoria Albina: Emotional outsourcing is when we chronically and habitually source our sense of safety, belonging and worth. The three essential human needs from everyone and everything outside of ourselves instead of from within to our own detriment.
[06:25] Aleya Harris: What is the detriment? So when you are completely emotionally outsourced, why does life look bad for you and what does it look like?
[06:33] Victoria Albina: Because you're the last person on your to do list, if you're even on there. Right? So let's break it down. Our sense of safety, belonging and worth. So when you don't feel safe in yourself, with yourself, you don't trust yourself.
[06:45] You can't make strong decisions, you can't be a leader. Right. You're inherently a follower. If you are leading, it's from a false self and not from a true embodied presence.
[06:55] And talk about embodiment, like you cannot be somatically at home within a self you don't feel safe being. Right. And so we're living unintentionally, habitually, from a default instead of from choicefulness and agency.
[07:10] And that sucks because we're, we're not the bosses of our own lives. Do you think I'm pretty? Do you think I'm smart? Do you think I did a good job?
[07:20] Right. And it can be really subtle or really overt, but we don't trust us. We need everyone and everything to let us know it's safe to be alive, much less to be ourselves.
[07:33] That's really challenging.
[07:35] Aleya Harris: Yeah, that sounds painful and is a challenge. You also said something that I'm, I, I'm not trying to be so nitty gritty with you. I just have some of these things.
[07:45] One, I know that you can take me there because of all of that you've gone through. And I have this innate, your ability to explain things better than other. I let you know, people just kind of glaze over things.
[07:55] You said something like, rather than from inside of you, you're outside rather than inside. And I think when people say that, it's almost like, well, is there some special room inside of me that I don't know or where on the inside located?
[08:12] What does that actually mean?
[08:15] Victoria Albina: Yeah, so it, it's sort of two things. So it's. It's relying on our sense of capital as self as a valid and valuable thing. Meaning.
[08:24] Aleya Harris: Thank you. I was like, and we're going to break that Always.
[08:27] Victoria Albina: Always. It's very. Like, I taught kindergarten, I taught university. It's very nurse. Like, I'm going to make the statement and then make sure you understood it. Oh, perfect. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[08:37] This is what I do. So capital S Self. So our most authentic self is the one that takes backseat in childhood when we're getting the messages that we are not okay as we are.
[08:49] We should change to be loved. We are not valued or we are not safe if we are ourselves. So if you are a very loud kid and your parents are two introverts who would rather be reading than parenting you or watching TV than parenting you or who are emotionally immature or absent.
[09:07] I mean, let's go with emotionally immature, because I feel like a lot of people our age raised by boomers are like, oh, right, those people were children. And I'm not trying to dis.
[09:17] If you're a boomer and you're listening and you're like, not me, great.
[09:21] That's great. I'm very happy.
[09:23] Aleya Harris: Oh, and look at your friends.
[09:25] Victoria Albina: Yes. Yeah, I'm making common thing. It is a very common thing. And for understandable reasons given where they came from. And I think part of it's like we're re watching Mad Men.
[09:35] And so I'm like, oh, those are the boomers as children.
[09:39] Aleya Harris: Mad Men. Once I couldn't get through the first episode. I love the passion. I love it's. The misogyny was wrong.
[09:47] Victoria Albina: Yeah. For me, it's like it. It reminds me of the importance of my mission in my work.
[09:53] Right. And that, like, in the 70s, a woman couldn't get a credit card without her husband's signature.
[10:00] Right. And so if I ever am like, oof. I don't want to put my all into this week's podcast of feminist wellness.
[10:06] No, no, put. Put. As we say in Spanish, put the battery on. And let's, like, let's go. Because this matters for every single human socialized as a woman on this planet right now, Right?
[10:20] Aleya Harris: Yes, absolutely.
[10:22] Victoria Albina: What does it mean to connect with yourself? Was the question I was asked. You like how I came right on back?
[10:27] Aleya Harris: Yeah, that was good. Otherwise, that was what I was going to have to do.
[10:30] Victoria Albina: Oh, okay, great. Well, now leave it to me. So we learned that it's safer to be in a role than to be ourself. To be the good girl, the good daughter, the good wife, to be the good fill in the blank instead of the real person.
[10:46] Right. Because the real person has wants and needs.
[10:50] The real person has likes and dislikes the real person. Isn't that a sort of malleable creature that the emotionally immature, absent, neglectful, overworked, overstressed, whatever parent can just like, mold to their wanting, Right?
[11:10] And so many of us had to put our loud self or our quiet self are too fat or too thin, like too whatever, too sensitive, too whatever self aside in order to get, oh, come here, kid.
[11:26] I'm proud of you. Come, kid. You did a good job, kid, you whatever, right? That true self had to go into the other room because it was clear they were not wanted in the living room of family life.
[11:39] And so we put them away and we became the A student, the gold star student, the always shining. Look at my achievement. Don't look at me.
[11:49] Or the rebel kid, right? Look at my f ups. Don't look at me.
[11:54] Or somewhere in between, that was still a false version of self. And so this work to step out of emotional outsourcing is to reclaim all the versions of self that were left behind in the name of survival.
[12:09] So when you ask me, right? And we also left our bodies behind, right? Because so much of my work is about reclamation of the Soma and like, whatever, Somatics is like hashtag trending for better and worse, right?
[12:21] Some of it's. If I see someone selling a somatic workout one more time, I'm going to scream. I'm just going to scream, throw my phone out a window. Soma means body.
[12:30] Every workout is a body.
[12:32] Aleya Harris: Every workout is a. So come on, come on. That's just like when gluten free was turning, I was like, this is a gluten free apple.
[12:39] Victoria Albina: This is gluten free water, everybody, right? Talk bad, right? My goodness gracious. Take. Yeah, yeah, good times.
[12:48] Aleya Harris: One of the things that I like that you. Well, I've been like, so. By the way, you know, dear listener, if you're listening, this is probably not your first episode.
[12:58] As a reminder, I am on mute when they're talking because I am usually agreeing so hard that it's really distracting. And I was agreeing so hard when Beatrice was talking.
[13:10] So. But one of the things I want to go back back to is one, the work that I do is all, all around your radically authentic self. So that self that you're talking about, that left behind, that is the core of the work that I love, the storytelling.
[13:24] I believe that any differentiation you're looking for, any clarity you're looking for, any guidance you're looking for comes from that piece. But was something I heard you say that I thought Was incredibly interesting.
[13:36] Was all of the selves you've left behind.
[13:40] Victoria Albina: Yes.
[13:40] Aleya Harris: So not just that killer self.
[13:44] Victoria Albina: Yeah.
[13:45] Aleya Harris: Other selves. What does that really look like? Can you expand on that concept?
[13:50] Victoria Albina: Yeah. So we can use a couple different frameworks or different lenses. So we can use internal family systems, which is the work of Richard Schwartz, PhD, which looks at sort of this concept that at different points in our development, it's like a different self sort of broke off and he has a very specific structure.
[14:08] Firefighters, managers, et cetera. But we can sort of more colloquially and more generally think about the different selves within us that hold different energy.
[14:18] Right. That hold different stories, that hold different experience, that hold different ways of being. I mean, I think most of us can sort of look at our day to day life now and like we're different in our marriages than with our best friend.
[14:33] We're different with our best friend than our mom. For most of us, however.
[14:36] Aleya Harris: Baby, you are my best friend. I love you. Hey, Brandon. I mean, but there's all my actual best friends, so. Yes, do continue.
[14:47] Victoria Albina: I mean, yes and definitely, but you know what I mean, Like, I think we sort of abstract this and put it like in the literature to the point where it like feels like it's not our lived experience.
[14:59] But you at the supermarket is not you at home at the dinner table, right? And so same same for our 4 year old self and our 8 year old self and our 12 year old self.
[15:10] It's as though these energies persist within our psyche and what we, we can then bring in somatic experience as a lens to talk about incomplete tasks, developmental tasks as we grow up.
[15:26] I mean, if you think about the sort of basic tasks, right, Potty training, learning to hold a fork, learning to throw overhead, right? These are all milestone tasks that the pediatrician or the family nurse practitioner will notice, right?
[15:40] So too within our psyche there are developmental tasks like individuation. I am not my parent. My parent is not me, right. I am this right where we start to complete these tasks of creating a whole integral psyche and self.
[15:58] And for many of us, those tasks were interrupted by developmental trauma. So like what's an example?
[16:06] Aleya Harris: Okay. Yeah, because I'm like, oh my God, the individual. What did you call? Individu.
[16:10] Victoria Albina: Individualization. Individualization.
[16:15] Aleya Harris: Mine was interrupted and I'm like, so she's about to tell me what's wrong with me and I'm totally into it because as soon as you said that I'm like, well, obviously I know that I am Aleyah Harris.
[16:24] My mom is Denise Snipes.
[16:25] Victoria Albina: Right.
[16:27] Aleya Harris: However, I'm still, I've gotten much better. But it still, it took. Has taken me years to not take responsibility for her.
[16:37] Victoria Albina: That's exactly where we're going. Right. So examples include parentification.
[16:42] Right. And so parentification is when a child takes on a parent role to their own detriment. And I put that asterisk there because white supremacy. And so we can, within the confines of, of white supremacy, white settler colonialism, we can.
[16:59] That system will see any family based system, intergenerational care system as problematic and pathologizable. That's whiteness, right?
[17:08] Aleya Harris: Oh wow. Really thought about that. Yeah.
[17:12] Victoria Albina: Chapter two of my book, we talk a lot about whiteness and these concepts.
[17:15] Aleya Harris: What was the name of your book and where can we buy that?
[17:17] Victoria Albina: Thank you. My book is End Emotional Outsourcing An Intersectional Feminist Guide to Overcoming Codependency, Perfectionism and People Pleasing. And it hits the shelves October 2025.
[17:28] Aleya Harris: Oh, ****. Wait. And it's so exciting, but I'm just like. I was literally like a.
[17:35] Victoria Albina: You're so sweet. I'll come back. I'll come back and we'll talk about it.
[17:38] Aleya Harris: Come back. The list of pre sales ready, growing rapidly.
[17:43] Victoria Albina: But you continue.
[17:44] Aleya Harris: We're talking about individualization and, and parentification.
[17:50] Victoria Albina: And so yeah, so listen, it's beautiful for kids to take care of the other kids to a limit. Right. To be part of an intergenerational, interdependent household system as long as they're having the chance to, you know, also be kids and not be a mini parent because that parent is whatever.
[18:10] Right, right.
[18:13] So when we are in that parent role or in the role of therapist for our parents.
[18:19] Right. You know, best friend. My mom is my best friend.
[18:24] I have some questions. I have some questions. I'm not inherently problematizing. I'm just, I have some questions.
[18:31] Right. Because roles are really important.
[18:34] And so those developmental tasks of individuating, of becoming you, of knowing who you are, what you want, what you prefer, need to happen. And if they don't get to happen, there's a stunting in that emotional growth.
[18:49] Right.
[18:50] Aleya Harris: Then what happens to. I'm just going to say like let's say it's psyche D, because I'm sure like by the time that this is happening, some other psyches have already happened.
[18:59] So let's say that this is psyche D and that that should be going through the individualization process and something cuts it short. What happens to psyche D?
[19:12] Victoria Albina: Yeah, we, if we don't feel safe within ourselves Knowing who we are, someone else has to tell us.
[19:21] So how many. Think about how many of your friends were totally into camping when they started dating that guy who was into camping and then they were like a football jersey.
[19:34] Aleya Harris: Camping. I've always kind of like.
[19:35] Victoria Albina: But you know what I mean. Right?
[19:37] Aleya Harris: She was like zero. That was the football one. All of the things I could think of. All of the things.
[19:42] Victoria Albina: Right.
[19:42] Aleya Harris: You know, the good example of this that I don't know, but I can see is the Kardashian. The littlest one or the littlest one in stature. There's Kim.
[19:52] Victoria Albina: There's Kim Kane.
[19:53] Aleya Harris: Kim Chloe and Candy Cane. God, I wish my listener, Corolla.
[19:59] Victoria Albina: I don't.
[20:00] Aleya Harris: The one who, when she married the rocker, all of a sudden she went from normal Kardashian aesthetic to like, everything is black and goth and dark.
[20:10] Victoria Albina: Sure, whatever. Right.
[20:12] Aleya Harris: So it's like that Khloe, Kim. Kourtney. That's her name. Kourtney Kardashian. There we go. Talking about individualization and Kourtney Kardashian. Anyways, so my question though is like, so it gets cut off.
[20:29] You don't feel safe.
[20:31] But then in my mind at least, when you're talking about this, I'm imagining almost like your brain as a bowl of marbles. And each one is like these psyches rolling around and like, such a great metaphor.
[20:41] Victoria Albina: I love it.
[20:42] Aleya Harris: So what happens? Like, do they interact with each other? Do they harm the other psyches being developed? Or do they just sit dormant? Are they what cause your limiting beliefs? Like, what's happening in this bowl of marbles?
[20:56] Victoria Albina: I mean, so I'm really careful to be evidence based and I don't know.
[21:01] Aleya Harris: There'S no evidence around bowls of marbles and.
[21:05] Victoria Albina: Oh, no, no, no, no. Well, I mean, of course, the Swedish bowl of marbles instit studying this for eons. You know how those Swedes are.
[21:14] Aleya Harris: Yes. And they're marbles.
[21:16] Victoria Albina: Absolutely. So I'll just pass the mic to the Swedes.
[21:22] Here's what matters. You're a grown *** woman and you want to go away for the weekend with your friends. But I don't know, I should really check in with my mom first, who's also a grown *** woman, and make sure she doesn't need anything this weekend.
[21:38] But she's perfectly cogent and capable and like, fine.
[21:42] But there's a story within you that it's my job to take care of her.
[21:46] Right. You were all like, all set. So another one. You're all set to go away, go out of town with your girlfriends. And your son at college complains that he's got all these papers and, gosh, could you help him?
[21:59] And you cancel your girls trip, or you spend the whole girls trip worrying and worrying and worrying about him. I mean, a little like, oh, man, I hope the kid does a good job.
[22:09] Hope he's all right. That's beautiful. That's interdependent. That's just love. Fine. Right.
[22:15] But when we. It's to our detriment. That's where we need to, like, have a little consciousness. Are we continually putting ourselves last because self is not safe? Are we not speaking up?
[22:27] Are we avoiding conflict?
[22:30] Are we really deferring to others constantly or just in situations that really count or feel close to the chest? Right. Like, family relationships are close people is when this mostly comes out.
[22:43] Are we making ourselves small so someone else can feel big? Oh, the fixer. That's a great one, right? The fixer, the martyr, the savior, the saint. I talk about these archetypes in my book, you know, the fixer is, like, constantly trying to make sure no one's upset.
[23:01] I used to have this friend who pretty much every time I would tell her I was upset, oh, well, you know, this is. It's really not a problem. And would try to talk me out of my feelings.
[23:13] That was a. That's a past tense relationship, I was gonna say.
[23:16] Aleya Harris: And great friends.
[23:18] Victoria Albina: Right. But in her mind, it was so uncomfortable for her if I was unhappy. She couldn't allow it. She couldn't allow me to have my feelings. Right.
[23:31] Aleya Harris: I like that.
[23:32] Victoria Albina: Yeah. You call them and you say, I'm really lonely. And they say, well, I'm lonely too. I mean, what's the big deal, right?
[23:40] Aleya Harris: Oh, Jesus Christ. That is so annoying. It's so annoying. Like, can't I just be in my loneliness and have it have nothing to do with you?
[23:48] Victoria Albina: Right? But it can't. So here's the thing. Thing. When you grow up thinking you are the least important person ever, nothing about you matters at all for nothing.
[23:59] It is so existentially frightening. It is so existentially terrifying because we are pack animals, humans. We are interdependent pack animals by definition. I need you, you need me. That's how this thing works.
[24:16] And so when we don't feel like any other human has our back, we need to insist they have our back. And in its subconscious, so we have no idea we're consciously doing it till you meet some schmuck like me who's like, hey, listen, need to talk to you.
[24:30] About something, Right? But we have no idea. We're invalidating people's feelings, negating their feelings, not allowing their feelings, trying to fix them, save them.
[24:40] Right. The savior's another really great one. This person's constantly dating people who don't have a job, who don't have plans, who don't. Who just don't, don't, don't.
[24:53] To save them, to lift them up, to try to make it okay. This is the person who, like their partner's family, forgets their birthday and they're calling the siblings. Hey, listen, you forgot Tim's birthday.
[25:06] He's really upset. Could you give him a call?
[25:09] And they don't think that's right.
[25:11] Aleya Harris: Yeah.
[25:11] Victoria Albina: And they don't think it's a problem because they're just being nice.
[25:16] But what's really going on is that insertion of self. Because you're so worried on this existential level that you don't matter for ****. You don't matter to anybody. And so if you triangulate, right, and make yourself a part of every interaction, every energetic, then maybe you'll start to matter.
[25:39] Aleya Harris: Okay? So I have serious people in my brain, very specific people in my brain. And so I'm going to send them this episode.
[25:49] Victoria Albina: And not triangulating.
[25:52] Aleya Harris: I'm not even going to be passive aggressive about it. I'm going to be like, she's talking about directly aggressive, please. Oh, I have no problem being directly aggressive. I am directly aggressive.
[26:00] Victoria Albina: Human. I love that about you. I've always loved that about you. Yeah.
[26:05] Aleya Harris: Thank you.
[26:05] Victoria Albina: You're so welcome. Thank you.
[26:08] Aleya Harris: So when these people listen to this, this is the moment. Hey, listen, if I sent this to you, listen up. Here's where Bea is going to tell you your first step.
[26:19] This is. If that sounded like you, here's the first step that you need to do to have it not be you in the long term. Go.
[26:27] Victoria Albina: So steps one through two million are really effing annoying because they're so antithetical to the US American way of living.
[26:35] And it's to slow down.
[26:40] But wait, I have so much to do. No, you don't. You put a thousand things on your to do list because you fear the existential void. Take a breath.
[26:49] I have feared it, too. We all do to some extent.
[26:54] But when we are racing through life, when we are moving so fast, when we are doing all the things and we're not pausing and we're not checking in and we're not slowing down, we don't realize the defaults we're running on we don't realize the unintentionality because how could we?
[27:07] How could we?
[27:09] And so I, I hear you. You work full time and have three kids and two dogs in the house to clean.
[27:14] I hear you. And you're probably over functioning in all of those settings. You probably don't also need to be PTA mom and soccer coach. And, and, and, and it's okay if there's bunnies of dust under your couch.
[27:30] It is highly unlikely that anyone will die.
[27:33] As your primary care provider, I need to say highly unlikely. But really, between us, no one's gonna die. You're fine, leave the dust bunnies. But that's the thing. We don't leave the dust bunnies.
[27:44] Because everything in our world is the arbiter of whether we are safe. Okay? If we belong, right? If we are worthy. And so we make all this BS that has nothing to actually do with us so important when like, who cares?
[28:03] Who cares?
[28:04] Aleya Harris: Yeah, I have noticed that where it's like. And I don't know, I, I don't think. And I'm going to have a slowdown moment, which I have slow down moments every day.
[28:11] It's on my calendar in another shell. Feels so funny to say that I'm like, I'm going to slow down as long as it's scheduled.
[28:18] But when I do that, I'm like, okay, well, what's working? What's not working? But what I've noticed about the people, at least that I have in my mind, that are fitting, what you're saying is they will find one, any and everything to distract themselves.
[28:31] And if they don't have really anything going, then a small annoyance, they will find a way to maximize it, to blow it up, right?
[28:42] Victoria Albina: But that it makes perfect sense if you feel like you're not worthy of care and attention, and if your nervous system is such a dysregulated hot mess that you don't know how to feel safe not moving, of course you'll turn some somebody cut their eyes at me at the supermarket into a frigging World War 27.
[29:04] But like, with the fullest, deepest, most compassionate amount of love in my heart, of course you will.
[29:12] Right? Because your nervous system believes you have no other choice. A bunch of those marbles are set to no other choice but panic and drama.
[29:23] Aleya Harris: Because the question is, because it sounds, if you haven't slowed down ever, really ever, this is how you live your life, right? And then I'm sitting here listening to this podcast that Alayyah sent me.
[29:34] Thank you for listening.
[29:37] And I'm terrified now. If I slow down and there's silence, what am I gonna hear? I'm gonna hear all of that voice that I've been trying to drown out with all of the other things that tells me I'm not worthy and I can't do it.
[29:50] And I don't think I'm strong enough to deal with that voice.
[29:54] Victoria Albina: You might not be. So let's slow it down and go some another direction. So I don't recommend we stare into the void as, like, a starting point. That step, like, I don't know, 82.
[30:05] We're gonna start with our morning beverage. Wait, what? That's right. Morning beverage. What are, like, most people drinking? Coffee. Why?
[30:15] I don't know. I just. Well, I just. I always. I just drink coffee. Yeah, but do you like it? I mean, I don't know. I just drink it. Let's look at the.
[30:26] I don't know. Right. How much of your life is the. I don't know. I just.
[30:31] Right. Do you love your career? I don't know, I just. Do you love your marriage? I don't know. I just.
[30:37] Right. That's the unintentionality. That's the habit. That's the default that keeps us from living our most expansive lives.
[30:46] So we start by asking teeny, teeny, tiny questions. Actually, I think you'll like this because you like metaphors. I can tell.
[30:53] I really don't like it when people tell people to take baby steps. I think that is ridiculous and obscene. Because a baby's foot, what is that, like two, two and a half inches?
[31:03] That's really big. It's really big. I'm not into it. In my world, we take kitten steps. Little, tiny, newborn kitten steps. Why?
[31:13] Because they're tiny and cute and sweet and they remind us that kittens are kind of floppy and fall over by definition, which means that those little steps are meant to be floppy and sweet and fall over.
[31:25] And if they do, when they do do, it's totally fine. We came in prepared, right?
[31:33] So a first little kitten step is to say, do I actually want coffee? Do I want to listen to the radio and listen, like radio news first thing in the morning?
[31:41] Or does it actually set me up for a pretty lousy day hearing about, you know, terrible policies and genocides and, like, all this garbage that's going on? Do I really?
[31:52] Or am I shoulding on myself again? So we start by stepping into tiny, tiny, tiny intentionality and seeing where we're living should lives. Because I don't live from should Anymore.
[32:07] Or from obligation anymore. And it feels really amazing.
[32:13] And so that's where I would start. And from there, sure. Take one breath and enjoy the silence. Or maybe not enjoy. Be with the silence of one breath and then keep moving.
[32:27] And we have to really incrementally, over like a year, get up to one minute of quiet a day. But not any faster.
[32:36] Unless your nervous system is regulated enough that you have that capacity.
[32:40] You know, I married a Buddhist who can meditate. God. I think this weekend is going to go meditate for like eight hours.
[32:47] Cool.
[32:49] Aleya Harris: So, yeah, that's not me.
[32:51] Victoria Albina: Not, not me. It's not me. It's not me. You know, dance is meditative for me. Right. Walking, meditation. I have a trampoline.
[33:02] Aleya Harris: Yoga, currently.
[33:03] Victoria Albina: Yoga.
[33:04] Aleya Harris: Yoga. Because you can't think about anything else. Well, no, you'll like, besides, like, survival, right? Exactly.
[33:10] Victoria Albina: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I go to this really hard hip hop class where, like, if your brain turns on for a millisecond, they're 12 steps ahead of you and you're standing there looking like an idiot in hammer pants, you know?
[33:23] Oh, it's a 90s hip hop class. I'm terrible, but I. But I bring a lot of gusto.
[33:30] Aleya Harris: You know, that's all.
[33:32] Victoria Albina: I stand in the way back with a lot of verve and just end up doing salsa half the time. Or a little bachata.
[33:42] Aleya Harris: Oh, my God.
[33:43] Victoria Albina: Listen. But if you think you know what you got, listen, got to give it what you can because.
[33:49] Aleya Harris: So we are going to have to wrap because of the timing. I just looked. I was like, oh, my God. I know. Like 30 minutes.
[33:56] Victoria Albina: I know. It's so fun.
[33:57] Aleya Harris: I did so much fun. And I'm just so fascinated at the way that you think about these topics. I'm, like, thrilled. And my brain is going a mile a minute in the best way.
[34:10] But I feel like we.
[34:13] I don't know. I'm gonna ask you to do it relatively quickly, but I feel like I'm setting both of us up for failure because I. The thing that we haven't really touched on, that I just want to know a little bit of how it fits in is the somatic.
[34:24] Victoria Albina: Oh, sure. When we disconnect from self, we have to disconnect from the body.
[34:29] Aleya Harris: Right.
[34:29] Victoria Albina: Because what is more dangerous than to be present in a body that's not okay, right? That's too fat, too thin, too tall, too skinny, too sensitive, too loud.
[34:40] Right. And so we disconnect from body and we become. Particularly for those of us who have turned to intellectualization as a way to not be present in the body, we're like walking around living from the neck up, right?
[34:54] We're like little lollipop brains. And the body just becomes this vehicle.
[34:59] Aleya Harris: Right. A much ignored way to know if you're doing that or not.
[35:03] Victoria Albina: When something's funny, do you think that's funny or do you like, actually laugh where you're like, body hurts.
[35:12] When someone's grandma dies, are you like, oh, honey, that's so sad because you know the social cues because you're not dumb, or does it actually physically hurt in your heart?
[35:26] Aleya Harris: Gotcha. That was really helpful.
[35:28] Victoria Albina: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so if you're the. In the ladder, where you're turned off to your body, the. The kitten steps are the same, right? Of gently beginning to ask your body, not just your brain, do you want coffee?
[35:45] Do you want a shower? Do you want movement? What do you want?
[35:50] Aleya Harris: Yeah, that's really good to know. That's really good to know. I think that actually I'm pretty into my soma because I. All of the things I was like, listening, I was like, oh my God, I'm actually doing something right.
[36:04] Like, yay, personal development.
[36:06] Victoria Albina: Hey, hey.
[36:11] Aleya Harris: And her personal development. But if people do want to take their kitten steps with you.
[36:17] Victoria Albina: Yes.
[36:18] Aleya Harris: Where do they do that? How do they find you? How do they connect with you?
[36:22] Victoria Albina: There are so many beautiful ways. So my podcast is called Feminist Wellness. It's for humans of all genders and it's available everywhere. Podcasts are available.
[36:30] I have a special treat just for your listeners.
[36:33] Isn't it such treat? I love, I love it. So if you go to Beatrice, I'll say it in English. B E A T r I z albina.com
[36:46] flourishing. You can download a suite of nervous system exercises, orienting exercises, inner child exercises, all sorts of meditations downloadable for free just for you for listening to the show. To.
[37:00] Thank you for being here.
[37:05] Aleya Harris: Wonderful. Sorry, I was like, I was, I was, I was. I was typing into my search bar because I was.
[37:10] Victoria Albina: Oh, yeah. Oh, how fun.
[37:13] Aleya Harris: I was like, you've already denied me the instant gratification of the book. I already have to wait. How can I get more of you as soon as possible?
[37:24] Victoria Albina: You're too sweet. You're too sweet. Thank you.
[37:27] Aleya Harris: Oh, thank you. Really, truly. Thank you for being here. I'd love to have you come back after your book is released.
[37:33] Victoria Albina: Such a pleasure.
[37:34] Aleya Harris: More into the nitty gritty. Are there any final words of wisdom that you'd like to leave everyone with?
[37:40] Victoria Albina: I know it can feel so trite.
[37:44] But when we base our life in remembering that each of us matters or we wouldn't be here, everything shifts.
[37:54] And so really allowing yourself to begin to practice, considering maybe believing that. Do you see all the. All the space I gave you? Right. Consider that maybe it's possible that you wouldn't have been born if you didn't matter.
[38:09] Right.
[38:11] Aleya Harris: You wouldn't have been born if you didn't matter. Beautiful sentence. Oh, I love it.
[38:19] Victoria Albina: Yeah. So act like it's. Act like you matter, because you do.
[38:22] Aleya Harris: Oh, well. On that high and heartwarming note, and how I know that I'm somatic because I felt that in my chest.
[38:31] I am going to thank you so much for joining us here today. It's been a pleasure.
[38:37] Victoria Albina: True delight. Thank you. Thank you.
[38:41] Aleya Harris: Isn't it amazing how you can listen to one conversation and feel your life shift?
[38:48] That for me was this conversation and I hope that it was for you. This conversation.
[38:55] Bab just totally enlightened. A new way, at least for me to think about why I fall into the stories and the limiting beliefs that I fall into that lack of safety.
[39:09] And then it's also causing me to have a better look and reexamine the stories I'm telling, to take that breath, just slow down, to pay attention so that the nervous system regulation that I need can happen, so that I can truly live as many moments as humanly possible from that place of my radically authentic self, that original self, the self that knows the self that is present, the self that allows me to feel the feelings and connect with the people.
[39:37] Which makes me a better business owner, which makes me a better professional speaker, which makes me a better human.
[39:44] So I hope that you are taking that step as well. I would. I would totally recommend that you contact Beatriz Victoria to get started, have a lookout for her book that's coming out in October of 2025.
[39:58] And if you have any comments or questions, send me an email. My direct email is aleyealeaharris.com in the meantime, again, my name is Alayah Harris. This is the Flourishing Entrepreneur podcast and I'm sending you and yours lots of love, light and abundance.
[40:16] Bye for now.
[40:18] Yuliya Patsay: Thank you for listening to this episode of the Flourishing Entrepreneur Podcast with Aleah Harris. Vibing with what you hear, leave a five star review to spread the love and be sure to click subscribe.
[40:31] We wish you love, light and abundance. See you next time.
